Speak With a Gentle Attitude

             A gentle hand is a gift, but a gentle tongue is a treasure.  Controlling the tongue is one of the great disciplines of gentleness.  Gentleness is not just saying nice words, however.  In fact, gentle speech is most important when hard things need to be said.

            An excellent example of addressing difficult situations with gentleness is a letter written by Abraham Lincoln to Major General Joseph Hooker in 1863.  Lincoln handed Hooker the following letter upon giving him command of the Army of the Potomac:

Major General Hooker:
General,

I have placed you at the head of the Army of the Potomac.  Of course I have done this upon what appear to me to be sufficient reasons.  And yet I think it best for you to know that there are some things in regard to which I am not quite satisfied with you.

I believe you to be a brave and skillful soldier, which, of course, I like.  I also believe you do not mix politics with your profession in which you are right.  You have confidence in yourself, which is valuable, if not an indispensable quality.  You are ambitious, which, within reasonable bounds, does good rather than harm.

But I think that during General Burnsides command of the Army, you have taken counsel of your ambition, and thwarted him as much as you could, in which you have done a great wrong to the country, and to a most meritorious and honorable brother officer.

I have heard, in such way as to believe it, of your recently saying that both the Army and the Government needed a Dictator.  Of course, it was not for this, but in spite of it, that I have given you the command.  Only those generals who gain success can set up dictators.  What I now ask of you is military success, and I will risk dictatorship.

The government will support you to the utmost of its ability, which is neither more nor less than it has done and will do for all commanders.

I much fear that the spirit which you have [brought] into the Army, of criticizing their Commander, and withholding confidence from him, will now turn upon you.  I shall assist you as far as I can to put it down.  Neither you, nor Napoleon, if he were alive again, could get any good out of an army, while such a spirit prevails in it.

And now, beware of rashness.  Beware of rashness, but with energy, and sleepless vigilance, go forward, and give us victories.

 Yours very truly,

A. Lincoln

           Lincoln’s words were frank, but he spoke with courtesy.  First of all, General Hooker knew Lincoln’s character.  Hooker knew the gentleness of the man behind the words, and that is important.  The key to gentle words, even when speaking a hard message, is first and foremost a gentle attitude.  Without previously establishing a considerate spirit, even the most gracious words will fail.
            Nevertheless, gentleness in speech is also marked by a careful choice of words.  Note a few points from Lincoln’s example: Lincoln was clear that he was writing with a reproof, but he was very careful to balance that reproof with well-thought-out words of genuine appreciation.  Further, Lincoln expressed his commitment to support Hooker.  Lincoln was careful that his words not give the idea that he was cool toward or backing away from Hooker.  On the contrary, Lincoln filled the letter with expressions of increased support and candid praise.  And that is exactly what Hooker perceived.
            After reading Lincoln’s letter, Hooker remarked, “That is just such a letter as a father might write to his son.  It is a beautiful letter, and…I love the man who wrote it.”
            Gentleness is speaking even the hard words in a way that communicates support, commitment, and personal consideration.  Foster gentleness in your speech by developing consideration for others and choosing you words carefully. 

Choose on the Job

             The importance of choosing words carefully cannot be overemphasized.  A poorly chosen word can damage a relationship or even begin a war.  Genghis Khan, who lacked certain qualities of gentleness, learned the devastating power of a misplaced word when he attempted diplomatic negotiations with Ala el-Din Mohammed of the thirteenth-century Khwarezmian Empire.
            Genghis Khan sent a message seeking to establish friendly trade with Mohammed.  In his message, he graciously referred to Mohammed as “like a son” to him.  Khan wrote the words, however, without carefully considering how they would be perceived by Mohammed.  The latter thought this expression of sonship to be one of dominion rather than rapport.  Consequently, Mohammed executed the Mongol messengers and declared war.
            Your word choices may not avert or incite a war, but no doubt you have already experienced the painful consequences of speaking an unconsidered word, even when your intentions were good.  Exercise gentleness by carefully considering your words, especially how others will perceive them.

Character definitions and information used by permission. Copyright Character Training Institute. www.characterfirst.com

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